An AHA! moment
Abusive people will often seek out people who’ve been abused before. For a long time, I thought I was the one seeking them out. (I had already been in three actively abusive situations before becoming a legal adult. I promptly got into two more in the next year alone. Friendships, family members, dating… abuse transcended the nature of the relationship, and it ran the gamut of rape, emotional and verbal abuse, and one occasion of physical.)
I have always felt ashamed of the amount of abuse in my life; it felt like a sign that my social radar was permanently broken. Even though I had literally never had a healthy relationship of any closeness until I met hubby at nineteen, and none corporeally until I was twenty, I still somehow feel like I magically should have known better. Even though I literally did not know what love was. Love to me involved rape, guilt-trips, and neglect. For the longest time, I requested my husband NOT to tell me he loved me, because the words ‘I love you’ instilled such dread.
Part of the reason abusers seek out people who’ve already been abused is that they know it’ll be easier. The more times someone is abused, the more normal abuse seems. But it’s not just that. The more times someone is abused, the more people will just discount it as, “Oh, they just always find the worst people.” Everyone’s already used to the idea of someone who “likes” being abused. Who seeks out abusers over and over. Who “can’t handle a normal relationship.” That is a HUGE cultural narrative in my society!
I’ve been told plenty of times to think about and control my behavior to avoid “attracting” abusers. It isn’t until now I’ve ever even CONSIDERED the idea that THEY were the ones doing their damnedest to attract ME.
After all, what would I have to gain from attracting an abusers? More fucking abuse. What would they have to gain from attracting a prior victim? Someone to mistreat that the rest of society will look down on for getting abused AGAIN.
The abuser is way more invested in getting another victim than I would in getting another abuser.
